A Prisoner at the halfway mark !!!!

"Salutations Non-incarcerated Humans,

It's nearly two weeks ago  that I had my third of six cycles of chemo. I am officially half way through the chemotherapy. Ordinarily I would be cockahoop about this significant milestone but I have to confess to being rather underwhelmed at this point in time. Even though each of the three week administrative processes seemed to roll around rather quickly, I am still looking at a further nine weeks of treatment at the least and I am tired this time.......very tired.

This third cycle started well enough. Albeit a tad tired, I had had two glorious weeks of negligible inconvenience. I had enjoyed a particularly lovely lunch and exhibition with Clare, and lunch with Colin, had done some great gardening and caught up with good good friends during that time.  Siobhan and I had also undertaken our pre chemo infusion rural escapade down to Gippy but more of that later.

So nearly two Thursdays ago  I got to Peter Mac in time for my 9am appointment and was ushered through to a small room with only one chemo recliner and a bed. That was odd I thought but may be I would have a sleep whilst the line was in situ.  So I was settled into the chair and the nurse did her thing. It was the same nurse from last time and she had had a bit of difficulty in getting a good vein last time. During that second time, she couldn't get a line in at my wrist like the first time so had struggled and found a vein half way up my arm which didn't go that well as I ended up with substantial bruising and restricted movement of my arm as a result.  So this time in preparation, she placed heat packs on my flattened arm in an attempt to get the veins to pop up. Despite prolonged warming none were volunteering to offer up their services to Nurse Vampira. She perservered and banged one in my wrist and shit, it hurt. I was extremely conscious of the needle the entire time it was pumping stuff into my vein......and the bruising afterwards was not nice. Nurse Ratched said I can expect it to be harder next time. Nice!! I think I might ask for the nursing interchange player to manage the line next time!!.

So there I am sitting in my little room with the chemo pumping diligently into me and I am in a mood to neither read nor write. I can feel the cold substance going into my vein and travelling my body- at least I think I can feel it. Naturally, we don't feel our heart beating, nor the blood moving throughout our body, nor electrical charges or neurones travelling to and from the brain.  I imagine we would be a tad distracted if we could. But you know that feeling you get when you get a rumble in your gut on occasion ? You can sense or feel, as well as hear,  the air pockets and the movement of a substance of some kind? Well it's like that - sort of.  I can feel the chemo in the vein as it moves through my body. There is a cold sensation that I can progressively feel throughout my body. But I have grappled with the best adjective or best way to describe it. Because it is travelling through a part of my body, my whole body isn't cold. It's not like you can throw a cardi on and the chill will leave. It's an isolated yet travelling sensation. And cold isn't quite the right word. It's like it is a refrigerated substance of some thickness or density that is cocooned in a casing of some sort. Hence the cold permeates from the inside out not the outside in. It's quite a disconcerting feeling.

In between the three types of chemo being injected I use the toilet that is an ensuite to the room that I am in. I settle back into the chair and get connected up and then three people walk in. I didn't look too closley only catching the face and eye contact of the one woman in the group. Two in dark clothing one in street clothes. I smile and one of the guys takes up residency on the bed. Next thing, this temporarary screen appears and is posted between me and the bed but leaving me the passageway to still access the toilet at the far end of the room.

Guess what? My roomie (cell mate??) was a prisoner with two police escorts having his last cycle of treatment which, ordinarily is done at St V's but for some reason is happening here. The cop uniforms, guns and use of the word Officer by the chemo patient sort of gave the game away. I am amazingly observant aren't I???? Could have been a Detective!! So my next thought was hmmmmm, could I naturally wander past and pretend to take a selfie and perhaps catch him in the background of the shot???  Lets face it folks three and a half hours of chemicals being pushed into my poor collapsing veins isn't that much of a gripping read but a exposé of Victoria's most dangerous criminal sharing my room, toilet and infusing equipment whilst being observed closely by Victoria's boys and girls in blue is a hell of a lot more interesting. Still common sense prevailed as well as respect for a total stranger's privacy so I let it be,  but it made for fertile imaginings during the remainder of my treatment.

Now ordinarily, the chemo doesn't affect me for a few days - Good lord, I can't believe I used the word "ordinarily" - as if having toxic crap pumped into my system is a natural, normal  and recurring event.....it really is amazing how something so extraordinary does become routine so quickly in your life.......... Anyway, for the last two times the effects haven't been felt for two to three days. After treatment ended I drove home and  crashed for three hours - totally zonked out with no explanation. It was the exact same stuff, my chemo regime doesn't change until next time when I go onto taxatere, so I had no reason other than this time was different - and so it proved to be.

The next ten days proved to be pretty hard with the usual suspects of chills so powerful they could loosen your teeth fillings, hot surges and industrial strength nausea all playing their part. But I also had the extremely unpleasant experience of diarrhoea  - violent diarrhoea. I had been spared this the last two times but not this time. Somethings are best left unsaid or not described and this is one such time.

But after nearly 30 minutes on the dunny, with agonising gut pain that seared my innards, with rivulets of sweat originating from my temples and my non existent hairline, and running down my face and stinging my eyes,  together with my nose running in unison in some kind of macabre symphony (in three movements - pun intended) of exiting body fluids, I emerged from the bathroom and felt almost concave with emptiness and helplessness. I collapsed into Siobhan's arms crying and saying I had never felt so sick in all my life.

The diarrhoea struck a few times over the next few days so being at home was the best and safest thing for all concerned!!! And as it should, this and the other horrid side effects of chemo did reside. They started a little earlier this time and hung around a little longer and they were a trifle tougher but they have resided and I am now enjoying my window of relative good health.

On the Sunday prior to this episode of crap occurring, in good health and spirits from Cycle No 2, we had headed to our second rural destination - West Gippsland to visit a local winery or two and eat at a restaurant that Siobhan had read a good review. Down the Eastern, onto the Monash freeways and then off to Warrigal we go. In little over an hour we turn off for our first winery - Cannibal Creek . Popped in for a tasting - they do a great chardonnay and then into town for lunch at the Big Spoon Little Spoon. Must have changed the owners because the menu was dumbed down to basic everyday fare, so we upt and out and headed to Wild Dog Winery instead and boy were we grateful we did!!!

Fabulous!!!!!!!!!!! Totally.

That's a hat on my head not our fourth little white dog!! 

Here is Siobhan enjoying the delights of their wine......a great range with some genuinely lovely gear which we enjoyed with a trememdous meal in a beautiful setting. Peoples, if you are looking for something not far away but seriously special and picturesque - this is the place. Tres lovely.

And I have been meaning to for some time but havent quite got around to showing you the hair that I wear!! I have had to order a gel substance that is contained in a headband to wear underneath because the damn wigs cause tension head aches but since then I have been able to endure it - they are not comfortable no matter what anyone says. But also because I have been accustomed to seeing myself sans hair when I do wear a wig, it feels like I am wearing hair the size of an afro and feel very self conscious.........

This is my "Going Shopping" Hair

This is my "Going Out" Hair

 











And here is Siobhan wearing my Going Shopping Hair and deciding (her not me ) that she looks like a total bogan!!!

Noice!!!!!!

Good Hair Days to you all.


Kelly xx

Look Good Feel Better with Ladies who Lunch

Mwah !! Mwah!!
(Interpretation; air kiss left, air kiss right)

Dear Blogees,

According to the cosmetic industry and Kerrie-Anne Kennerly, who is now my post diagnosis, Poster Gal and Guru for all things breast cancer, it would appear that even when one is subjected to the rigours of chemotherapy and feeling like crap, a true feminine kinda chick still should not leave the house without having plastered a whole lot of goop on her face........ so that instead of resembling a bland beige coloured upright mobile bowling ball, you look like an autumnal or summery (depending on your "colours") shaded upright mobile bowling ball!!!

The oft repeated mantra being.......that if one looks good, then one will feel better.

Now those who know me well know that I am not a joiner per se and rarely buy into "group think". I am highly derisive of this current pop culture rubbish where it seems everyone is on some bloody "journey of one kind or another", that everyone has a backstory of cancer, bankruptcy, or depression, or if they are really earnest, the whole lot - and their raison d'être for undertaking this cooking, singing , redecorating, renovating, weightloss, survival contest is their inspirational long dead and departed grandmother who leaving her war torn homeland in a leaky boat, overcame adversity, immigration challenges and Australian blowflys to bake the best moussaka in culinary history whilst singing opera to homeless folk and single handedly building her own mud brick home in the Australian outback.  For goodness sake !! And what is with the all the crying??? Why is it that we regard the pursuit of prize money somehow more palateable and less grubby if we cloak it in so obviously shallow and manufactured sentiment? Bleuch!!!! I find it sooooo distasteful. 

So anyway, as a cancer patient (cue tears now), I receive an invitation to register for the Look Good Feel Better program. This program offered Australia wide is supported by many of the cosmetic companies . It's patron is Kerri-Anne Kennerly, it is run by a small organisation who effectively tap into hospitals and clinics across the country and in conjunction with the respective hospital's army of volunteers, provide a two hour workshop to female cancer patients  in how to put on make-up, wigs and scarfs and adapt to your new look whilst going through treatment. 

As regulars will be aware, I am no stranger to the transformative abilities of make-up as anyone reading yesterday's blog and seeing how utterly ravishing I can look without it whilst doing a spot of gardening, can attest. Equally, I know my way around good, bad and indifferent wigs thanks to my foray with Craig. (see earlier wig trying blog entry)  And finally, I am so very comfortable with my physical limitations, to know that , no matter what the fabric, colour or braided accessory, one Kelly Minogue, looks like an ageing  Gloria Swanson on a bad day in a bloody turban!!!!! - for those not aware who Gloria is, google her image and you will understand my aversion to turbans!!!

Yet, I was keen to attend and I am not ashamed to admit my ulterior motive for doing so. It was not so that I may bond with my sister sufferers and share experiences of our respective journeys...... nothing so noble nor honourable. No, my oncology nurse mate John had said you are given a terrific show bag of goodies. So there it is. I was going to the workshop for the sole reason of securing some contraband- pure and simple!!!

However, as I have found with this cancer caper, I am often taken in unexpected directions both emotionally and intellectually and this was to be the case with the  Look Good Feel Better workshop. But before I got to hang with this group, together with Siobhan, I had an outdoor luncheon catch up

with my personal shearer, Pauline. As you can see from the pic, whilst I sat on my lemon bitters, the two gals maintained that compulsory maxim for  those ladies who lunch.......a glass (or in their case, a piccolo of fizz to wile away the afternoon - tres wonderful!!!!!!in beautiful Melbourne winter sunshine we tried a new eatery in Clifton Hill together. Lotsa fun as always. 

So the following week, sans make-up but dangly statement earrings in situ for that post makeup reveal, and wearing a black ensemble with an aqua pashmina scarf slung loosely, Muslim style over the bald head and around the neck, (Going Out Hair Wig was in a plastic bag in my handbag at the ready), I ventured into the workshop.  To walk into a group where no one knows anyone I think is always a little bit hard. Despite being a reasonably confident human, the absurdity of the circumstances in which we had come together, left me a little dumbstruck. It wasn't like we were all here to join the new local tennis club now was it?? As one of the volunteers checked my details and gave me a name badge, I was wondering, what's a suitable conversation starter? 

Questions such as "So what chemo regime are you on?, or  How come you still have your hair? " seemed too personal and overly familiar. And my favourite one ...did you know about the whole post double mastectomy reconstruction from a tummy tuck  thing - cant wait?  " might be misinterpreted by someone not understanding my often bleak sense of humour......I was at a bit of a loss. 

Well the coordinator herded us to our seats and introduced us all. We were a disparate group of roughly 20 women of all ages, some as young as their mid to late twenties, most in the middle and a few older ladies. We were seated around a rectangle table each with its own setting with a selection of cosmetics selected in accordance with the "profile" that we had submitted a few weeks prior that detailed our colouring and what we routinely used ourselves. Let me say from the outset peoples that 

it was AMAZING contraband!!!!! Estée Lauder, Chanel, Revlon, and quite a few other brands and it included moisturiser, cleanser, eye cream, concealer, mascara, lipstick, foundation - the whole box and dice.......marvellous. 

The lady who was to lead the class, Leonie, from Chanel, asked me if I would be her model to demonstrate technique  and of course. I was more than happy to comply. So I simply got to sit back and enjoy being pampered - tough gig what??? 

To say that we all had a great time is to seriously undersell the real benefits of this workshop. It was clear to me having the benefit of sitting back and observing the room rather than applying my make-up that the workshop was working its 'magic' on so many levels. Warm exchanges between the ladies were the order of the day, much laughing, empathy, encouragement and genuine kindness was evident throughout the room. 

Some of the ladies who attended had come in full make-up and with wigs or scarfs or hats in place. When asked to remove the make-up and head covering so that a thorough cleansing and application could commence, you could feel the reluctance and self consciousness emanating from some of these lovely ladies. I just wanted to reach out and  give them a hug. Wanting to hug a total stranger is not a common reaction for me so that was  a complete surprise that my first compelling feelings where  empathy and the need to provide reassurance. The  make-up and  head gear is so clearly their amour when presenting to the outside world and their once beautiful hair ravaged by chemo and pale skin devoid of all colour and sporting the pallor of illness made them feel so vulnerable. But they were brave and they too entered into the spirit of the day.  

We spent a while on the make-up application, then, the lovely June from the Peter Mac Volunteers showed us the beanies, hats and turban ideas that were available for us to learn, lend, buy and also a handy tip to watch YouTube for scarf tying creations!!!!! Then came Di from Creative Wigs, who with her signature frankness and pushy-ness (a good attribute in this instance when assisting ladies to go for the most suitable look, and not a poor synthetic facsimile  of what they are used to ), enables the ladies to try on a range of wigs. This was hoot for all with much laughter and merriment and generous and at times, diplomatic commentary. 

If one could bottle the intensity of the smiles on the faces of these lovely ladies as they found a wig to compliment their new make-up look that worked for them, it would be a world changing elixir for happiness and confidence. We enjoyed a sumptious morning tea  provided by the CWA no less and can I tell you the club sandwiches and pretty as a picture little patty cakes were divine. 

This two hour work shop has fundamentally shifted my outlook. I had started out as a most relunctant recruit to this Cancer Club of Sick Chicks, intent on being there solely for the goodies. I left having been privileged to share this time and experience with them. And while you probably wont see me donning any pink shirts and running the Tan, or invading the G anytime soon or riding alongside very good people for 100's of miles, anytime soon, I want to whole heartedly thank the participants and their friends who also came to share, the volunteers of Peter Mac for their wonderful warm caps and hats, Di from Creative, the CWA, the delightful Leonie from Chanel and all the other volunteers and co-ordinator of Look Good Feel Better. And of course to the participating cosmetic companies for their wonderful generosity.

I may only on occassion rise to the "Look Good"component of the mantra but I sure as hell have genuinely internalised the "Feel Better" from this rich and rewarding experience. Thank you to all. 

So looking very spiffy I arrange to have lunch with my friend Clare down from Sydney a few days later. We headed to the Monet exhibition late morning only to find the queue ridiculously long (since when do parents take little (and I mean little) kids to an exhibition by a French Impressionist )- can they have already run out of things to do by the end of the first week of school holidays ??? Seriously, what is wrong with Maccas and a movie!!!! So opted for lunch first then art. At Bistro Guillame we enjoyed a stunning meal and a gorgeous wine from Curly Flat. I had a glass, as I am treating my body like a temple these days. Clare had the rest.

Ppppffft!! You know I am lying right? Even I couldn't type that last line above with a straight face. The no drinking rule has collapsed but my intake is seriously curtailed and none for the first 10 days post chemo. So here is a pic of what Clare had an an entree..... a twice cooked cheese souffle with a rouquefort sauce....yum.......its a great place and we had a lovely time catching up. And even though we couldnt fit in dessert, here is a picture of the dessert Pauline had there when we went...this Ladies Who Lunch caper is simply fab

Afterwards we headed into the exhibition. I love his work with its focus on gardens and colour. It is simply uplifting. The kids running amok I could have done without and I am not ashamed to say that used my imposing baldness and stern look to unsettle the little darlings somewhat. Being bald has its advantages!!!

Clare came back later for dinner to catch up with another friend with whom we had both worked. But I forgot to get his head on camera, so here is one of Clare with one of hers at her side, the lovely Cashew, and one of ours (who is the personification of an endless pit of need and attention- Bombe Alaska). But thanks for coming Ben, it was just lovely to see you.

And just for you BK, and all the other filthy Collingwood supporters, (why am I even friends with this calibre of person I ask myself?) I have posted the sports page that I woke up to on Saturday morning. Was not thrilled......Still I am working on my Stephen Milne insults in anticipation of his return for this Saturday - Rest assured they will be "alleged" insults..........

And finally folks, this was Siobhan and I "enjoying" the five hour blackout in Thornbury on Monday evening. Thank god for iphones, Flashlight Apps and Candy Crush Saga on battery charged ipads is all I can say!!!!!!!!!

Lotsa


Kellyxxxx

  

Landscapes - My Garden, the Political and my Mind

Hello Greenthumbs,

Apologies as it has been a while since I last put pen to paper or, more accurately, finger to keyboard.

I had a rough time of it the first week of the second cycle but since then have been travelling rather well, if chronically tired. However, given the incredibly cold starts to these winter days, I probably garner more jealousy than sympathy, as I stay snuggled up in my toasty warm bed, as you my hard working proletariat, head off into the chilly mornings to earn your princely sums.

On the eighth day post chemo I was feeling well enough to head out into the garden and tackle some weeding and light pruning. We have only a small front yard but given my penchant for cottage gardens and flowering perennials, it is a labour intensive garden that needs regular tending. As with gardens of this type, in winter it looks like a bunch of dead sticks strategically planted around the garden - something of which Morticia Addams would be extremely proud. But I like this time as it allows you to see the bones and structure of the garden and plan accordingly for beautiful blooms come spring.

In the blink of an eye, three hours passed and I had only weeded and pruned but had filled the green bin to the max. A generous sprinkle of Sulphate of Potash and a light watering and I was ready to tackle the Mop Tops with Tony the next day. As you may not be able to tell from the photos below, these lovely trees develop into huge lush rounded heads come spring but they need regular pruning to keep them the size and shape in proportion to the house that I want. My towering height makes this a problem so I call on my dear (and much taller friend) Tony, to help me out.

With the ladder and nifty hedge trimmers in hand Tony makes light work of it as I cleared and bagged the prunings, planted foxgloves, delphiniums, hollyhocks, poppies and granny bonnets in every available space across the garden. Robyn T, your mother's fuschia, lillies, cyclamens and japanese anenomes are all flourishing here in down town Thornbury!!! All done in two hours and I drop Tony off as Siobhan and I have a hot lunch date with a gorgeous doctor. We will need to make a trip up to the hills in the next two weeks  to get two more white hydrangeas and two more rose bushes, but then it will be ready for spring. The only task remaining is for the next day ( a job of about three hours) - a thorough weeding of the nature strip (ours and our next door neighbour's that I have offered to look after for him) - Entirely selfish on my part as it allows me to extend my plantings beyond our legal boundary!!!! 

As you can tell from the pic, I dont give a toss what I look like when gardening!!!!

For those of you that don't enjoy gardening or see it as a chore, you probably wont understand how exhilarated I felt to be out there on those three consecutive days. It was a glorious Melbourne winter's day each day with bright sunshine and clear crisp air. I was doing one of the things that I genuinely love, without difficulty, without pain and with great physical capability. I was truly euphoric.

In the words of Mariel Heslop, 

"Now my life is as good as an ABBA song!" 

So with the garden all sorted and well primed with a sense of achievement, Siobhan and I head to a lovely restaurant in North Carlton called Enoteca Sileno. There, we meet a former colleague, the good Dr Colin, fresh from his regular weekly Italian class, to enjoy a meal, a goss and a vino. 

Now, Dr Colin is many things, - an engaging raconteur, an absolute font of knowledge on topics of the most obscure nature and origin, so as an entertaining dinner companion he is hard to beat, provided you can keep him focused long enough to impart the totality of said story.....but most of all he is just a lovely man who single handedly uptipped my very jaundiced opinions of doctors on its head. 

Upon his arrival he sought to impress all within hearing distance, by his command of his very recently exercised Italian linguistic muscle. Food and beverage (from the wonderful region of Friuli) was ordered and a lively exchange of Italian linguistic gymnastics between the good doctor  and waiter ensued. 

Momentarily distracted by my desire to rid myself of my "going out hair", Colin placed my wig on his own head and without missing a beat the same waiter walked past, complimented Colin on the style but thought the colour was not "very him" .....................you be the judge....... It was a delightful lunch and even more delightful company....

In the days that followed, I watched with great sadness as Julia Gillard  was deposed from the Australian Prime Ministership by a parliamentary ALP spill.  Now if you are going to sigh and think to yourself "get over it girl and move on" its happened, or worse....... "is she going to launch into some angry feminist, gender card playing rave"....first ask yourself, why are you having that reaction to what you anticipate is my anger?

I am angry because with the benefit of two weeks now into the post Kevin Rudd elevation wash-up, where is the commentary about the size of his dick, or whether his wife is a closet lesbian, or that the aspiring opposition leader's budgie smuggler's, (as well as his policies)  are lacking in content and substance?  

Nothing. 

The media is now robustly and meaningfuly focused in policy differences between the parties and the blokes leading them (now that the natural order is restored!!) It was only two weeks ago that they were unable to muster that focus yet the same issues were there then. I am despondent that my country is filled with a population that tolerates this sort of misogyny masquerading as news and current affairs, or worse that we are so loathing or terrified of women that we cannot bear them to be in any genuine or real position of power. 

It would seem that when it comes to women in power, we are more inclined to play the man (or in this case, the woman,) rather than the ball. I am so disappointed that we are so immature. I have no doubt that Gillard's legacy will grow in stature in ensuing months and years. I also have no doubt that it will be years before any ALP woman is allowed to put up her hand again. (and yes, I realise the absolute sexism of that statement)  I for one, will not be voting ALP until Rudd and each and everyone of his current supporter base has left the Federal Parliament.  

A friend once said to me.....they may be bastards, but at least they are our bastards..........

Not anymore they ain't.

It's an interesting political day indeed when Senator Stephen Conroy becomes the ALP's moral beacon for loyalty and principle.

Vote early  & Vote often Peoples

Kelly xxx